metamorphosis.

Dear Daddy - edit

2011-10-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

Daddy did not know it was wrong to beat Mommy,
until Mommy bled on the new tile.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to smoke,
until cancer took half his lip.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to drink,
until he became an alcoholic.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to hit her with his belt,
until she threatened to call the cops.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to take meds while smoking,
until he fell asleep and lit himself on fire.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to keep guns in the house,
until they fell into little hands.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong not to say, "I love you,"
until she stopped loving him.

And Daddy did not know that it was wrong to be himself,
until she wrote a note titled "Dear Daddy"

And Daddy did not know that he was to blame,
until he saw her bloody skull and his gun.

and death has come again

2011-10-26T21:49:00.002-05:00

it's funny, in a very not funny way, how i can connect to death
i think about it, and it has stuck

it is sometimes so hard to think about and stay positive about
i mean, you are gone

it helps to think that this too shall pass
meaning how i feel
but then i can only think how it works both way
this too shall pass, as in your life
and your life has passed
and in time, my life too shall pass
its scary and reassuring at the same time

i did not even know you, but i remember you
i remember your name, your courage
your battle, your strength, and your hope
just like rach
and just like nick still has
is it all just a wasted effort?
i know not for everything, but for those i know?
for south glens falls

something always ends up pulling me back home
ties that i did not know even existed
i love marathon so much, and i am so proud of my school,
of my community, of my friends, of myself
but it gives you these connections
for them to be shattered in an instant

i know that we save more and help more than imaginable
but still, it is tough
this is part of the job i guess

God gave you his wings, you are beautiful then and now
may you rest in peace, brave angel

poem1

2011-10-07T10:43:00.002-05:00

you promised me a forever that only lasted two weeks

you promised me forever
yet it hasn't even been two weeks

i laid my trust in your hands
and you let the whole world see
me, bare on christmas eve
it's different as a guy
and you knew that then
but i was hopeless-ly in love

your aol screen name appearing on my phone
was the joy of each class period
freshman honors english was a drag before you
to me you will always be lildrumdude90

i'm not sure why this resentment still holds
its been four years, and not a word has been spoken
but you were the first male i could trust
and you proved all over again why males sucks

Dear Daddy

2011-09-30T19:30:00.002-05:00

Daddy did not know it was wrong to beat Mommy,
until Mommy bled all over the brand new tile.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to smoke,
until cancer took half his lip.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to drink,
until he became an alcoholic with a pregnant woman’s gut.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to hit her with his belt,
until it left marks and she threatened to call the cops.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to take meds while smoking,
until he fell asleep and lit himself on fire.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to keep guns in the house,
until they fell into the wrong hands.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to not say, "I love you,"
until she stopped loving him.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to yell,
until her silence drowned out all the noise.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to be feared,
until she stopped coming to him with her problems.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to lie,
until she lost all her trust in him.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to be himself,
until she lost faith in him.

And Daddy did not know that he was the reason she turned out the way she did,
until she wrote him a note titled "Dear Daddy" with half her bloody skull and his gun attached.

all i want is a place to call my own

2011-08-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

i'm trying to stay positive
but it has been so hard
so incredibly hard

i just wish i had a safe place to call home
a place to be free and happy
surrounded my people that love me

i know i need to get my own place
but i am so beyond broke
i can't do this alone
but i am alone
all i have is my cat

just trying to provide for her right now
i would sleep in the walmart parking lot in my car
but that isn't fair to her
and that's what is so hard

you wonder why i don't care about family?
how many times can you be let down and hurt before you give up
well i'm giving up.

it's a broken hallelujah

2011-05-31T19:44:00.002-05:00

think about what that really means
and you will catch my drift
senior year, high school, is ending
such a great time
but i imagined it would be the best time
instead, it is one of the worst
i can honestly say i have barely any true friends
but college should change that

what does it even come down to?
petty issues cause a riff to last the rest of our lives?
only because our lives are no longer intertwined
it seems so ridiculous
but why have someone in your life that will only do harm
its a pull

its the time that brings us back
and hopefully itll bring us to a healing
a healing we clearly all need

and this is why no one cares

2011-05-17T17:09:00.002-05:00

you question why you have no friends
and this is your answer
you can cry all you want about how mean i am
but at least im upfront and honest
i own up to my actions and my words
and you cant
i dont play my friends
you play everyone
you dont care about anyone but yourself
you live to tear other down
and fuck them all over
because your obsession with one boy left you fucked over
no one cares
maybe you should learn that
and then someone will love you
youre pathetic
and until you change
you always will be

if only i could stay just to watch you go

2011-04-29T20:05:00.002-05:00

death makes the heart grow fonder
then what has happened
i just feel this guilt
and anxiety
gut wrenching
it hurts
it gives physical symptoms

why can i only feel happy when i recieve something?
why cant i just feel satisfied
why cant i seem to find the strength to overcome my weight and be happy

sometimes i feel like ive already given up
and that dissapoints you
and i know that
and i would never want you to feel that way about me
i lost you
we all lost you
you lost your life
and i can even appreciate mine
i mean, i know i do at times
but that isnt enough
you arent here
i will never see you or touch again
your smile and laugh and carefree grace
how can i feel this when i was not close
i dont know
how can i act so harsh
i know you wouldnt be proud
but sometimes i dont know anything else
is it all im good for?
but clearly not as i feel the most distant and the cruelest
i have no excuses
it is pathetic
i am pathetic
how can i not enjoy my life and my body
i am wasting away
how do i deserve life when i cant even value it
you deserve better
and i know that
so why have i not yet put that to work
i have to be strong
i have to do this
i have to make you proud
<3
you are the light at the end of the tunnel
you are the angel that lifted us up

i sometimes question intimacy
and if i will ever be able to feel it
and what broke that sense of security
what makes me feel so violated
for nothing for everything
broken before i had the chance to be whole
i dont know if i can ever escape it
it just hurts and makes me feel disgusting
i want to burn my skin and scrub off the dirty
i want to throw it all up
anything to get it out, get it away
is it for crossing God
or for other reasons?
it scares me
can i really never feel happy and comfortable for someone else
what stole my spirit?
the unasked questions
the never reveled answers.

you broke down. you lost it

2011-04-06T19:12:00.002-05:00

you can't seem to get it back again
but isnt it all you want
to just be okay
to be happy again
to feel good to be good
to have your friends there for you
so why do you have no friends at this time?
how many did you push away for no reason
why do you think a phone could change this?
you did this. they did this
clearly its what they wanted
and you just had to be yourself and go and ruin it
stubborn and too much pride
it will come back and bite you in the end
you cant win everything
lately you cant seem to win anything
why cant it just be summer with friends
and a phone and thinner
why cant you work on these things yourself
instead of waiting them to come to you
it isnt going to happen
to have to work for them
if its what you want, why dont you do it?

and you can't fight it anymore

2011-03-24T19:14:00.002-05:00

and you break down
and this is the end of your rope
and you don't know where to go or who to turn to
you are left here to sit and wait
to wonder and search
for where they went for who they are

you're losing your memory now

when you can't see an end in sight
no lights to guide the way
a stroll in the darkness
a crawl along the broken path
where can the path even lead?
do you know where to go or where you will go
will you find your way?
do you just go with it or do you stop to question it all
what does it all mean?
how did you, you, get put in this position
what could have possibly brought this all on
you dont see an answer
or anyone to help you find the answer
you are left here alone
to find it all yourself
is there anyone out there anymore?

you broke down all the walls and i took care of the door

2011-01-22T23:58:00.002-05:00

you broke my spirit too many times for me to be okay with
i am lost without you here
but i can no longer accept that
i am free and you are trapped
i have to be who i am ment to be
you held me back, but no longer
to fall in the path of destuction or be the one destroying
it comes down to that simple fact
that i can rise above and you can not
you are stuck where you are
i can shake the ground where you walk and you can watch me as i go
i break all the molds when it comes to people like me

and the time has come

2011-01-01T18:44:00.002-05:00

where i no longer believe (in) you
i no longer put my trust, faith, hope or love into you
i give up on you
but you didn't put much in me so who gave up what
but i know i don't care
i don't care how hard you try or what you say or even what you do
i am done with you
i deserve better
you were only there as a backup
so don't feel flattered
but i realize now i deserve better than backups
and yes, it's about me. all about me
you made everything about you and your lies
and that's not how i live
and i will never live like that
i know better, i have a better heart
funny how you want heart means everything
as a tattoo, when it is what you lack most
just funny to me how you can think so highly of yourself
when i find you to be a piece of shit i wouldn't even bother to notice
bad enough to be noticable so i can avoid stepping in it
definitely the kind you walk around
that bad. yeah that's you
i think karma is what is hitting you
for having no one supposedly love you
maybe it's because you're pathetic and desperate and a cheap whore
i don't spend my weekends having sleepover with guys and giving them alcohol just so they will pay me attention. i don't try to get with guys in a serious relationship either and i don't want friends that pathetic either
you really mean nothing to me. besides the fact that you are embarassing to be seen with i mean ya can't get much worse if you tried
i was hurt at first that you'd rather lie and hang out with guys that will never like you instead of me...on my birthday
but i don't anymore. i'm glad you weren't with me because you are nothing to celebrate (with)
you are so low and desperate and i can and will never involve myself with you
so you can keep trying to talk to me and feel bad because you realized how good of a friend i am but it is too late to apologize. you're done and you're never getting another chance. 2011 is for me
have a great fucking year, i hope everything bad bites you in the ass so hard. i hope you are miserable and realize how shitty you are to EVERYONE
i will never be like you or be friends with anyone like you
so you go be fifteen and keep trying to act like me
you can never be me, have me or get better than me!
fuck you cunt

i just can't keep doing this

2010-12-11T18:23:00.002-05:00

it hurts
it always hurts
i can't escape it
it never used to be this bad
i never had the constant anxiety
over nothing
over anything
over everything
just seeing an email from a teacher gave me a mini anxiety attack
that is nothing to get nerves about
i dont know what is going on anymore
sometimes i just think life wont let me be happy
i was finally there. so close
on the brink
i just just barely brush the surface and then the floor was ripped from under me
and here i am
i keep waking up throughout the night
i feel miserable again
my head is pounding
pounding so hard idk what to do
i need a release
i dont know what to try
but i know some things i will try
i just dont know what to do
i cant live like this
but i dont want to be on meds
i dont know when it got this bad
this week, last week? it just needs to go away
i feel it constantly 24/7
my head is pounding aching
i just want to be happy
do i not deserve to be happy? is that it?
please let me know becasue i cant do this
i dont want to
my emotions are going crazy
the littliest things make me on the brink of tears
my thoughts are making me cry
making me insane
i feel crazy
maybe i am crazy
but arent we all? or is it me
dont i deserve it
just now i can feel the tear ducts starting
i dont know what to do
i want to be happy
why cant i be
im becoming paranoid now
i was never like this
why now
why when i state i am happy does this all crash on me
i just want it to go away
its just a gnawing almost pain now
the back in the throat feeling like you could throw up at any minute
heart racing, always
hard to swallow hard to breathe
what is going on with me

i just can't accept that you're gone

2010-11-23T08:05:00.002-05:00

you are dead
dead dead dead dead
what does that even mean
how can one day you be smiling laughing and healthy and the next dead
even though it wasn't exactly one day then the next
but close enough
you were okay
you were going to get through this again
why did he take you?
how could he?
you already suffered so much
why couldn't he heal you and let you live a good life
i think that is what pisses me off so much
you didn't deserve to die
you deserved a good life
you were such a good person inside and out
why did he choose you to suffer and die
it makes me doubt so many of my beliefs
the saying "only the good die young" is true in your case
if he took you so you would stop suffering
why didn't he just take it all away and let you live
take all the cancers he was going to give you
you made it out once so then he double teams you with another cancer
it just isn't fair and i can't accept that
it isn't right or fair or just or ever explainable
i always believed that everything happens for a reason
but what is the reason for this
yes she is a hero and an inspiration for us all
and she is the strongest person most of us will ever know
but she died
she's dead
she is still a hero but she is dead
she won't know everything we all think and believe
if she can't make it out alive, then is there hope for any of us?
<3 you rachael o'leary for the rest of my life

a continuation on death

2010-11-22T10:26:00.002-05:00

how easily talked about and yet today it is completely different
how can i feel nothing before and everything now
everything, as well as nothing
i miss you
i can't stop thinking about you
the tears won't stop nothing will
i want to be alone but at the same time i don't
i just can't imagine never seeing you again
last time we talked we were making jokes about wigs
in the hallway at school so no big deal like
and now you are gone
i dont know what to do or what to say
i miss you

let's talk about life

2010-11-20T10:28:00.002-05:00

i think that is what i am most confused about
life living death dying
have you ever looked in the mirror and just wondered who you are and how you got there
have you even written your name and realize that is your name. that is you. that is who you are. that is your title. does it ever make you wonder or get you thinking that that is who you are... you are your name
how about life
does your name ever make you look back on your life
do you ever just think how you got here
how were you born and why you
say if your mom got with someone else.. would you still have been you?
would you still have been born or would it have been another soul?
what happens to you after and where were you before
how is a soul and personality born
does it die when you do? or does it continue and wait to be born into another body
just think about that and where does it get you
better yet, death
how does it make you feel?
sometimes i wonder if i even have a heart anymore
life and death seems to mean nothing to me
death usually doesnt upset me at all
maybe its because i havent experienced in my close life
i dont know it just makes me wonder why i dont and cant care

to confont; to run; to escape

2010-11-15T17:32:00.002-05:00

to confront the future
to run from the past
to escape from the present

you can't ever do anything
you can't win and can't lose
so what is the point if we can not do anything
we can not run as hard as we try
we can only escape for so long
all we can do is confront when it is the last of our desires
do you ever contemplate that
how we have lived and how we will have to live
there are no excuses for our actions
what can we ever do

where have we gone?

2010-10-25T19:18:00.002-05:00

i remember the days of being happy
or do it?
i think i do
carefree thoughts, smiles, laughs, actions
what happened to it?
i thought it was the loss of you
but now you are here, i dont know what it is
maybe its the distance? but i dont think so
i dont know what is missing or what is here that i dont want
sometimes i feel happy as if everything is turning around
as if everything is getting better
and then there is this
how to even describe it
besides dark and lonely
can you even remember the light?
it's a dark abyss and it's been a long time since i've seen the top
i dont know how i got here or how to leave
how can everything change so fast
maybe i need help
but why cant i fix this all myself?
i should be able to if i have known happiness
where am i
where can i go now?
i dont think that anyone knows where i am right now
how long have i been here
i see pictures and wonder if the smile is real
can i go back there? can i move forward to a place like that?
i feel abandoned here
everyone left
you are all gone
surrounding me, but gone
does anyone care anymore?
i remember the moments and the feelings
i thought so many things could bring it back
and temporary they can
but it all comes back to this
the dark time
alone and lost
counting minutes
feeling anxious
what am i missing
what do i want to do
i feel so incomplete
or there is a task i need or want to do but i just dont know what it is
who to turn to
everyone stayed in the light
i sunk into the dark
drowning in a sea i cant seem to escape from
is there a trap door someplace? can anyone help me to escape
do you remember the days
can you help me bring them back?

you're still gone, and i'm still here

2010-09-17T19:28:00.002-05:00

how many times will you make me say goodbye?
do you even feel a thing
sometimes i just feel so tired
i just want to sleep
for days, for weeks
just a nap till i am awake
i feel like time is flashing by
i have no time for anything
just school and work
too much work
too much school
i can't find time to think
i can't find time to breathe.
sometimes i choke up
and feel like i might suffocate
it's too crowded
too tight
now enough time
not enough air
it's running out
less less less less none
i have suffocated
i am no more

and other times i feel like there is too much air
it's the difference between being with or without people
how can i feel so good with others
yet so horrid alone
so lonely and miserable
how can i cure it
can i ever move on
will it ever escape me?
will i ever escape it?
what can i do
there is nothing to do, say, or think
it is over
are the dog days are over?
will they ever be over? will they ever begin?

i wonder if i would start fresh after this nap
could i be different? could i be whole?
could this anxiety end
could this jealousy end
could these feelings end?
sometimes it's just too hard
it's tape over the mouth
it's a gag
it's anything it's something it's nothing
you'll always feel this way
you can never escape yourself
don't try
you can't try
you can't win
you can always try, but you can never beat yourself
...or can you?

and it is all a real pity, a shame even

2010-08-29T22:13:00.002-05:00

where did you go?
why did you go?
that's all i want to know
why did you leave me
i miss you
it hurts
i lost three in one
my ex best friend, a current best friend and a close friend
do you have any regret?
do you even care?
have you thought of me?
you are just like her
her nine months ago
never answering me and saying i went crazy
when really you did
maybe you both
i just don't understand
was i that hard to deal with?
maybe i should take my own advice
maybe it is just me
maybe it's me all along
i don't know
sometimes it hurts too much to question
i don't know what i did
but you won't even answer that
how many can i lose before i change
you let me drown.

heavy in your arms... as well.

who is the betrayer? who's the killer in the crowd?
the one who creeps in corridors and doesn't make a sound

is it me or you
you swept me away
just like dirt swept under a rug
something to put away but not take care of
not to deal with
it's almost sad
how can you dispose of me without a hint of question or regret
but it doesn't matter
you are only a thing of the past to me now
to the summer of you
to the fall without you
i can only hope it's better now
truth is it won't be

take back everything you ever said: you never meant a word of it

2010-08-26T09:56:00.002-05:00

alright alright slow down

maybe even rewind
what happened
where did it go?
i don't know how someone could be like you
to be best friends one day
to enemies the next, literally
all over you ditching me... hmm
it makes no sense
at least i'm not the only one who doesn't understand it
nothing happened
and yet it all went away
you cost me three friendships
i've tried for nine months to get her back
and i finally do
and even though things were different
i'd hoped me and her could be strong again
and because of nothing you kill it
you ruined it
i blame you, i always will
sure i can forgive you for this whole thing
but i don't ever see you asking for that
how can you be so rude and cold hearted after hating other people for doing what you ended up doing
i could get mean
but what is the point
nothing happened
but i don't want a friend like that
who can snap so fast over nothing and just hate me
i don't want that
and you call me the crazy one, no, that's you
that's the both of you
you two have each other and that's it
i just don't understand
i don't know how i feel
we always pass with the seasons
and fall is coming, so i understand
that's all you do
i'm just the disposable friend
NBD.

i was a heavy heart to carry

2010-07-20T20:57:00.002-05:00

but was i really that heavy?
am i just in general?
two to let go
is it the same reason?
you said good bye
you let me go
and i am okay
i don't even know how much i care
right now, i don't think much
i mean, i can't believe it kinda was you
i mean i did enough to cut ties, but never did officially
but you did, you did

october is what really hurts
i wonder if you would answer if i wrote you a letter
what would you do?
hearing what you said makes me feel so much better
yet killed my hope
i always had hope, i could never let that go
but maybe i have to give up
you clearly don't care
and that still hurts too much to accept

lost at sea

2010-07-11T18:59:00.002-05:00

it doesn't matter that i do not have a life vest
because i am still lost
i just need to be found
there are too many locks, and not enough keys
i don't know what i want
or how to feel
i guess i feel everything, but it doesn't do anything
i feel no interest in anything
maybe therapy would help
but i can write it out better
writing is my therapy, but right now it is not enough
i still feel so lost or trapped
i don't find interest in anything
all i care to do is sleep
i don't have enough energy for anything
i can barely get happy or excited over anything
i know i am wasting my life away
but i am kind of just waiting for a change or the end
well, not really the end just a change
but i feel hopeless that a change will occur
i know i need to do it myself
make myself happy and give myself a change
but i just don't have enough energy or really care to do such action

the hills continue up and down

2010-07-02T19:41:00.002-05:00

just a metaphor for life
it's so easy to go from high to low
happy to sad
friends to not
just one action
one word
why is it like this?
it's a battle to stay afloat
and usually it's just enough to breath
some water if still swallowed
but still, i guess afloat
what will make this all go away?
make this change
i need a life vest or a boat
just to get above water
some help
the option is there
that used to make everything better
maybe i should just test it out
to see if it still helps
or if it's just there
what to do
what to think
what to feel

and it's all downhill from here

2010-06-24T23:47:00.002-05:00

i just feel like everyone is going wrong now
it changes so fast
my head is pounding
i cant even describe how bad it hurts
i just feel so alone right now
i just wish you were still here
but i have a whole week alone
to sit in my sorrows
i just want to cry
and cry and cry
i just dont know at all
i never knew a friendship could mean so little
or maybe i did
i dont think so
i hope it doesnt seem that way
i just, i dont know
i dont know how i feel
or what to do
youre so on and off
and when youre off, i just dont want to ever talk to you again
i just want to be done for good sometimes
and im not sure if i mean with you or just in general
it just hurts so bad
my head is pounding
just make it go away
just help me
please god, make this go away
please god, just help me

if only there were words for how much this hurts

2010-06-20T20:33:00.003-05:00

i can still remember everything about you
i miss it all
it just, it hurts. i can feel it deep down
worse than gut wrenching
i just, i never thought it would be like this
we planned to get an apartment together
and travel in a big bus/van around the country
now who do i have for that
i was going to stay home for a year just for you
do you feel anything?
do you hurt?
i think i hope you do
but if you did you wouldnt of done what you did
you wouldn't of left me
but you did
you left me
you left me here alone
i can't forget
i can't get over it
sometimes i feel fine about it
but then i think about it
and then it's all that i can think about
you're always in the back of my mind
i just think what we would be doing today
i just, i don't understand
what was so bad that you had to leave without a good bye
i just, i miss you so bad
i have never felt like this before
never ever ever and i never want to
i never wanted to
maybe i do have a wall up, maybe you built it yourself
but what was so bad that you had to leave
i remember the last text you actually responded to
where we said we missed each other
and i told you to do something about it if you missed me
is that what made you leave?
were you over me, sick of me?
or did you leave because you knew we couldn't go never seeing each other
and how you were banned from seeing me
is that it?
it can't be. you wouldn't give up
you'd still text me
so it must of been me
i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
if only i could take it all back, i would
i have never had a best friend like you
you were my one and only
and you left
and now i am alone
and maybe i always will be
you asked about me before
do you care? why did you delete me
why wouldn't you answer my texts
it's the only thing i don't understand
didn't i deserve just a why?
just a reason why
don't i deserve that?
i would never of done that to you
i never would of left you
i hope you don't think i did
i want the best for you
but i just want me in that picture
it hurts too much to think i wasn't in your picture
what did i do
i will always ask that
the only reason i signed up for tennis was to see you
to maybe be friends again
as pathetic as that is
i just, i love you too much
i don't understand
i just wish it would stop hurting
i wish someone understood how bad this hurt
she took you
you just replaced me with the same name
i just want you back
what i would give to talk to you again
i'm sorry, i always will be
i miss you. i miss hanging out
i had the best times with you
i saved that letter where you wrote down our best memories
i still have pictures of us on my wall
i just want you back
i haven't been the same since you left
or at least, when i realized you left
after you ignored my texts
i've been miserable
i really have
and i think it is because you're gone
i haven't been this depressed in years
i wish you could read this
but would it change anything in the end?

was it her birthday party?
i'm just so sorry.

i just can't do this anymore

2010-06-13T21:00:00.002-05:00

that's all i keep telling myself
and it always ends up happening again
but i'm starting to realize this really needs to ends
i can't, you can't, we can't do this anymore
it doesn't matter anymore
it just adds up to be too much
i don't want to go through this again
i don't want to fight, i don't want to question which fight will be the last
we either are, or we aren't
we can't go on like this
where i check my phone every minute waiting for the text to fix it
there should be nothing to fix
and i pick up my phone to fix it, but then don't
not if i have nothing to be sorry for
i know i need to fix some things to make it work
but it's not just me
sometimes all i can think is how i deserve better
and i know you will turn this around to always play the victim
and it needs to stop
i'm not saying you're always this or always that
it's not funny, it's just rude and heartless
if that's how you really think, then we really shouldn't be friends
but what i have done and put up with
even if it isn't much, it's more than i deal with from anyone else
the things i joke about and you turn them around on me
like no, it's just not cool and i'm done with that
sorry if it seems like i always hate you
but one mistake is a goner to me. i can't change that
you're not gone, but i can't be how i was with you
i don't really know how to describe it
but what you did really sucked for me,
i really thought of you as my best friend then
and then, gone
i would never of expected that from you

i don't know
i don't know if we will stay friends
and i don't know how i feel about that
i just, what even are we now
we are nothing really good
i feel like i can't really talk to you about anything because you act like you're twelve, and the stuff i would tell you isn't what a twelve year old could handle
and sometimes you don't act like that and i come so close but i just
i just think of the day how you just ditched me and just left me
and it's stupid but that's all i think about, what will happen again
it's the only grudge i hold
i don't know
i don't know if i can change it or if you can either
i just, even if it doesnt seem it, and i'm sure it doesn't
i put so much energy into being friends that i feel like it's pointless now
i got nothing positive out of it i guess
sometimes i'm sick of everything about you. and other times i just miss you
i dont know how to balance it any better
i dont feel very comfortable with you anymore...
i just wish you wouldnt stop always playing the victim because youre not. you fuck up too and youre an asshole too. just admit to it instead of turning it on me. im not always an asshole and if you think that, then dont bother. i dont hate you and i have never said youre always be a dbag and making mistakes, you exagerate everything to try and make me feel bad and make you the innocent one, and it's not happening. and i hate how you do the okay or good thing when you dont want to talk something out. sorry, but thats now i work. i dont do that shit, if you have something to say and we can work it out. i wouldnt get so pissed if you just talked stuff out instead of avoiding it. clearly you can tell i dont avoid confrontations and im not going to be friends with someone if that is all they do. things will only get worse
its sad how some days we can be so good
and then it goes to this
what really does it help
i know i need to stop being an asshole, but its just easier that way
but its no excuse. if i was you i wouldnt put up with it. sometimes its just joking but i know i push it. i dont think i used to be like this to you. i dont know. maybe im testing how much you will put up with or how far i can push you. maybe i just dont want to be in the position i was ever again
i dont know. i just dont know
all i know is that i dont want it to continue like this
i miss you, how you were
im sure you can say the same
last night, it just honestly hurt. how you said that with no remorse like that is how you actually think of me. i dont know
i wonder where we will go
sometimes i picture us being bffs and you visiting me at college
and sometimes i just think we will fade out
i dont know what you truly want or how you feel
but if you want to go anywhere i need to know what you think
to talk it over. im not just going to move on past this
but hey, i have said that before...

how could you be so heartless?

2010-05-27T17:50:00.002-05:00

i guess that is my only question
i can not even begin to wrap my head around your actions and feelings
i pray i don't end up like you
i think i would hate myself too much to be a parent like you
you are just a insensitive jerk
like honestly
now i don't know how to feel
angry, hurt, betrayed
what will i do without her here
i can't imagine it
it hurts too much to think of
and i only have the weekend left with her...
just another thing i don't think i will ever forgive you for
i can't believe you
i don't even know if i have an ounce of love left in me for you
with how hard that was to type, i really don't think so
and it's stupid how bad that hurts me
when it isn't even my fault
i'm only the child here.

i wish this didn't mean so much to me

2010-05-26T16:42:00.002-05:00

what can you really say?
how can you say how you've always felt
it comes and goes
i mean, it's just the passing of time
it never really fades
sometimes it's just tucked away for later
it's building up inside,
you just don't know it is
it's always an eruption when it comes out

i don't know how to describe any of this anymore
there are words i think
i just can never seem to find them
the wants and cravings
the needs and addictions
to what? to whom?
maybe that is the question
or why even to question this to begin with is the real question

"what is this?" you ask

2010-05-13T18:53:00.003-05:00

it is nothing and yet it is everything
you can not see it
you can not change it
you can just feel it
raging inside of you
stop trying to fight it
you never can
you can't fight it
you can't win
you will never even control it
it knows what you're trying
and it overcomes you
you can not escape
you can barely even breathe
it's smothering you, suffocating
and here it comes
it's taking you down
taking you over
you feel that?
it's losing all control
it's the face of you without a soul
you are empty
always, walking empty
a shell of yourself
you know, i know, we know
you will never be the same
you will never outrun it
you can't even get a step ahead of it
the foot can raise, but you'll only tumble down in the end
don't try anymore
let it take you
trust me
you'll be better in the end
you'll be free
that's it, just let go
let go let go let go let go
but you never will, you'll always fight won't you?
in that case, i'll say good bye for us.

"empty and closed, hovering in some frozen netherworld neither sun nor rain could thaw"

2010-05-08T18:25:00.002-05:00

i think i turn to writing when i don't know what else to do
i have words to say, but no one to say them to
or i have words to say to someone
but i just can not tell them
vulnerablity? no thanks

i don't think i understand my mind
i don't understand my thoughts and feelings
i try to, but never can
why do i feel the way i do
is that really how i am feeling?
sometimes it scares me
the dark, twisted, or creepy thoughts
innapropriate, illegal, confusing
the changes i would make
the places we would go

but it never matters
it doesn't change
pretty sad when i want to enter myself into a loony bin
into treatment, but maybe it's good i understand i need help
not that it matters
not that i'll say anything or anyone will notice

i can't decide how i feel on you
and i feel quite pathetic that i am contemplating how i feel about you
if i want to be friends with you or not
the jealousy complicates it
but obviously i don't feel as strongly towards you as you do to me
not at all

i just don't know
and that's all i seem to be saying lately

"Have you ever
had so much to say
that your mouth closed up tight
struggling to harness
the nuclear force
coalescing within your words?"

we are nowhere, and it's now

2010-04-24T21:56:00.002-05:00

when did it get this bad?
i know it has been bad
but this what an avalanche
it all came falling down
the snow came down
and buried us all inside
i can't even tell how i'm feeling
are there even words
the waterfalls can't stop
won't stop
a memory as a switch
as soon as you think of it
the on switch is turned
and it all begins again
maybe only a drop
or a burst or a squirt
but it's enough
enough to know i'm not okay
i don't where i am
or where i'm going
but it has to be fast
and it has to be out of here
what will happen next
time will tell?
the drugs will tell
it's a joke
it will never change
change requires some form of care
how could you be so heartless?

this isn't okay.

you put my head in such a flurry

2010-04-08T17:58:00.002-05:00

the way you can twist your words to me this
or that

how long has it been? it feels like years
i didn't know it felt like this
the hollow feeling
it hasn't gone away
maybe you're when this all started
well i shouldn't say you
i should say you walking away
not even a good bye in tow
how long did it take you to make up your mind?
did you even need time to heal?
a few days?
no probably a few seconds
and yet here i am
months later
still not over it
haven't even made a step towards 'recovery'
what a joke
but it doesn't matter
it never did

the time of empty
when this phase becomes whole
a cycle rerun over and over
like the bad reruns
no viewers
only the ones suffering inside
it's the changing of seasons
into spring
but really winter
hibernation
it's all it is
it doesn't matter how you word it
it all feels the same in the end
you said goodbye
i said goodbye
is it the same?
i think i gave it more time
and i'm always on the rebound
you already found a rebound
no, better than that
a replacement
the look
the feeling
would you even understand?
obviously not
the ones who really suffer
are probably the ones most deserving
in that case you deserve some too
i can't take all the credit...
although you can't either
but you asked
about me
but won't ask to me
does it matter?
apparently not
i don't think our paths will ever cross again
and that hurts too much to really even think about
i would just call this a break
but you called it for us

i didn't even feel you go

2010-02-20T14:25:00.002-05:00

did you leave so fast or so slow?
was it a blur or subtle
i dont't know the day or the moment you left
but i know now
i can feel the distance
well i just don't feel you at all
to see you with the other
you completely replaced me
i don't even know how to feel
it feels empty without you
but i never show you that
i don't know what hurts more
the fact you're gone
or the fast you replaced me without a second thought
it hurts
i feel that
i feel the emptiness
the lack of filled space
where did you go when you're right there
just not in my life
an explaination is all it takes
but would that really help?
or make it worse
would the hurt boil over
or would it calm it all
just to know
just to know
you left without reason or a goodbye
it hurts
but i'm not sure i'm sorry
maybe i'm just sorry for you
it's anger
it's confusion
but what is the strongest?
that i don't know

is this the passing of time? or just the passing of you?

2010-02-08T19:36:00.001-05:00

but what does it all really mean in the end?
how did it all come apart?
how did we fall to pieces?
so fast
so fast
it worsens everytime
open your eyes
look at me
does it hurt you now?
how can i not stand you?
yet i can't stand to be without you?
when did the lines blur
when did they fade?
you ask why
i ask how
how can you not feel
do you care
do you ask the same questions?
but do i really care
or is it all just excuses to use you
this is the question i can not answer
but trust me i've tried
how can you compare
how can you truly answer this
it's the pull
it's the battle of life
what side wins?
can you say love always wins
no you can't

does it even ever win?

the talk of death

2010-01-21T18:09:00.003-05:00

what does it all really mean?

how could you of died and yet i dont think i care
am i heartless?

open letter. pt two. to you

2010-01-02T22:52:00.002-05:00

i'm sorry i've never told you but trust me it's possibly the hardest thing i've ever had to do
i can't imagine what you'll say or how you'll react
i dont want pity or for you to treat me different
i just want someone to know the truth
it was so long ago
it still hurts
i'm still scared
it still hurts to be touched\
sometimes even a hug
the pet names scare me even worse
especially from family
maybe that's why it's so hard to tell anyone i love them
especially family
but why?
he was a family friend
i guess thats why im so bordered up and afraid
to feel vulnerable
to be hurt
emotionally
physcially
i must of been like five
its slipping even further into my mind as i age
i cant do this
i cant let it make me hurt myself
i just want to be free
safe
and happy
im sorry i havent told you
but maybe you can understand
how hard this is
im sorry that ive let it affect our friendship
it just hurts so much
i cant even talk to guys im so afraid
i just want to be better

where do you go

2009-12-29T15:47:00.000-05:00

when there's no place left
no place to wander
no place to hide

you're alone

i was wrong

2009-12-24T15:09:00.001-05:00

a year can make all the difference

merry christmas eve
xo

and the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while

2009-12-22T16:14:00.003-05:00

your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes

it's another year
but what does it ever change?
some freedom
some f/laws
but you're still the same
you lost it then
you won't gain it now

these times past
the year comes to a close
was it all worth it?
was everything you did worth it?
do you feel proud? do you feel better?
who did you hurt on the journey?

forbidden to remember, terrified to forget;
it was a hard line to walk.

you know this is for you, an open letter of sorts
i wish i could give you this pain
only for you to know
not for a death wish
it hurts
it's desperation
you can't escape, yet it's all you want
all you need
it's the fact i want you back
but i don't want you around
it's the pushing forces
that don't even matter
because you don't want to be here
the fact you don't want me
it burns
it's the feeling of not being enough
half full
tipped over
broken
you chose your words
i'll try to choose more wisely

you can't show it
you won't show it
that's just me
i can't look
i can't bear

you just have to see her
to know that she'll break you in two

is this goodbye forever? or for now?
it's hard to bear that question
to think, to know
do you ever feel anymore?
you've hardened so fast

an open apology

that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two

and i want you to know that i'm both happy and sad
and i'm still trying to figure out how that can be

it's these moods that kill me
the ups vs the downs
which one comes out ahead?

but the day passed, just a day in the eye of the storm

2009-12-10T20:12:00.002-05:00

all days ends
and only then can better days come
and they have
someone's elses pain to mask mine

it's still a time bomb
ticking
tick tock

the way i feel about you
how can it be explained?
it changes by second
when i want you
when i can't stand you
when i just wish it was never us
when i wish it was only us
well maybe not only....

it's a push and pull
which side is winning?
can you ever tell, because i can't

it's a tension of opposites
no side is winning
it's balancing on the tip of a pin
it must lean to one side eventually
it comes crashing down
are you top or on bottom?

it's the way you speak
the way you act

the way you talk
the memories
the images
sometimes i can't do it
i can't deal
what is there to do?
what can you ever do?

what would you say to this?
would you say goodbye
or come on over?

i'm not sure which i'd want...

it's the pain surfacing and lowering
it's the moments of memories
and the moments or forgetting
of escaping
even for a minute
just not to be reminded
just to not remember
even for a second

why does this hurt so bad?
i never meant for this
self help can't work
it isn't, it hasn't
what is next?
who can never be

the one who was
the one who should be
the one who never is

and it's all me

i'm sorry
but i can't control it
i try to fight it
but i can't win
you can't win
you surface it
everything makes it rise
it surfaces and boils over
it erupts
what erupts?
the truth
the truth must come out
will it help?
please stop the memories
the pain
the fear
the absolute stillness of horrified

really, where do we go from here?
i think i know
but it's not a place i wanted to go

it's deffinitely the path less traveled by

and then the day came

2009-11-06T21:43:00.002-05:00

when things hit the roof
they burst through the ceiling
and into outer space
it wasn't good
it wasn't bad
it was chaos
it was misery

where did the time go?
what had happened?
where can we go?
can we go anywhere?

a sigh of relief
a grief stricken panic
a fury
a frenzy

things can only look up when you've hit rock bottom
when you've been under the rock
but what brings you up?
do you sacriface your pride and emotions?
what if you have to to move on?
then what? what do you do

i wish i had the answers and knowledge
but i did it

it's a series of ups and downs

2009-10-16T15:22:00.003-05:00

the downs usually overtake the ups but there is still always both

its a tale of happy and sad
i am both
always both

things can only look up, or things can only look down
it's life in neutral

part of me is so happy
this is all new to me
i love how it makes me feel

you can replace it with he

is this how it feels to finally open up?
to tear down the wall and finally let vulnerability fall in
to give yourself and your heart away
to get your ideas and emotions
it's all new
it's taking the cage away from a monster
an open book
spilling with truths
only truths

is this what it feels like?

2009-09-23T14:39:00.003-05:00

it's anger
it's sadness
it's everything bad mixed into one
i want to scream at the top of my lungs

what was it ever?
nothing
a made up tale of happiness
one day can change everything
one day can change it all back

pathetic...

what can you do
it's all in someone's hand
i say theirs
maybe they say mine
what is it now
nothing
everything
something

i don't know
i wish i did
i wish i could understand
i wish i could accept
i wish i could get over it

just athetic
it all is
whatever just learn to accept what your heart says
follow your heart?
or follow your insecurities
so far they have won out

where does it go
was it ever going anywhere?

and now it's just the death of us all

2009-09-18T15:34:00.003-05:00

when words aren't enough
when actions aren't enough
when only changing the past is enough
what can you do?

nothing is enough
nothing you do
nothing you say
no matter how much you pray
no matter how many tears you shed away

it happens to others
but never to you
never to your friends
we don't deserve it
God loves us, he would never do it
but he did.... why?
it isn't right and it isn't fair

the guilt can eat at you like maggots
your body is decaying yet you're still intact
nothing is in focus, you can't concentrate
yet it's not even to you
how do they feel?
you can't imagine
you can't believe
you can't understand

the ground is where they will forever lay
no longer to be around
what can you say to help?
nothing
nothing changes it

it's the guilt
it's the pain
it's the saddness
it's the confusion
it's the frustration
it's the want to help with no way possible to help

time goes on
but how can you move on?
the pain must be unbearable
but i wouldn't know
i can not understand

try to sympathize
yet you can't
can't do or say anything right
everything is wrong

how will you return?
i miss you, i love
i am always here for you
my prayers are with you
may God bless you and your family
may He get you through it strong and come out okay
may He help you and surround you with love
as if His love isn't enough, you have ours
Amen

you never know what you have till it's gone
may this be a lesson to not have to wait until it gets that far
she has lost so may it wake us all up
may it make us love and forgive all
open our hearts and our spirits
God is here, God is listening

the realization is hard
the accepting is almost impossible

when does rigor mortis come in?
how long does it take before we can no longer move
it must be coming quickly
it's already hard

our bodies are setting in place
frozen in time, pain, and unconditional love

our great escape?

2009-08-26T19:16:00.002-05:00

it's just a series of ups and downs
nothing can ever be too bad for too long
or too good

sometimes i feel like there is everything yet nothing left to say
so what do you say then?

downfall of us all

2009-07-16T14:56:00.003-05:00

there is always a point of no return
there is always a point of return
so when is the line crossed?
who is to be the judge?
the line, or the one crossing the line

life is just a game of "if only"
can't win but you can always lose
you will lose

they say love always wins
but i haven't seen that
or maybe i just don't realize it
love wins, but we never do
maybe that is the tension of opposites

i'm not quite sure how to put any of this
it's too hard to talk about or think about
but maybe i can just write about it

are you the tension of opposites?
did they push yet pull you?
i guess the pull side won,
pulled you away from me
i'm sure others understand
but i just wish they would tell me they did
tell me i am handling it well,
i think i'm doing well
and how are you doing?
it would be a lie to say i don't care
and maybe one to say i do as well
it's a tension of opposites in the end
it's always good to know your options
even if the options aren't good

i guess i can relate now
"But I'd long ago learned not to be picky in farewells.
They weren't guaranteed or promised.
You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a good-bye at all."

sorry

you can't stop it, why fight it?

2009-07-01T20:24:00.002-05:00

life goes on, time will always pass
you can't change what has happened
why would you want to?

i don't even know what's going on

all i can say is why bother?
what can you do when there is nothing left to do

what is going on
the world is spinning
time is passing
i just feel like i'm spinning

i know there is something to do
i just don't know what that is

by the way

2009-02-16T17:38:00.001-05:00

i'm soooooo glad my anxiety is back

not.

criss cross... applesauce

2009-02-16T17:34:00.001-05:00

there some things i'd love to say
but we all know i won't

there is no turning back
i don't think

i don't know what to think

i'm just alone now i guess

and i don't think i'm sad...
i think i'm okay with that for now

or maybe i'm finally ready to change it

as you can tell
i really so not know a thing

what is there to say or do? everything?

2009-01-24T17:44:00.003-05:00

it's one of those times when all i think there is left to do is write
i'm not sure what is going on and i'm not sure if it's good or bad
change is growth but what kind of growth is it ever?
is it growth for the good and to help or does it just bring you farther down?

optism sometimes is hard right now
maybe it's just the season
but i just think it's me

i'm not sure when this all started... or maybe i do
did it happen overnight? or was it a slow process?
do i care or not?
i must not care enough to do anything about it

it was around that time
the books became my life
it changed my look on life
that movie... those movies
that person... those people
it's all relates back to myself
it's all and only me

can i believe that? will i believe that?

it's like being disconnected
from them... from the world
or maybe it's just blurry
is this just a bad connection?
do i have bad service?
can you hear me now?

except i don't think i'm saying "good" after that

maybe i need to change things in my life to go back
or do i want to?

i don't know how to feel
or maybe i just don't want to think about it
so i don't... and so i haven't thought about how i feel
how it makes me feel

i feel like i'm living a life of pure dreams and wishes
is any of it real? is anything real anyways?
color is only rays of white uncovered

so do things just need to be uncovered?
i've drifted from everyone
and to some

is it worth it?

or maybe i have thought about this all
and just am denying it to myself
maybe i won't admit it... can i?

maybe i am just alone
maybe i'm meant to live in fantasies instead of reality
how messed up am i

maybe it's time

2008-11-26T13:38:00.000-05:00

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" [Morrie] says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way.
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eye, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

is this all that's left?

2008-08-27T10:24:00.002-05:00

i'm pretty sure i'm done with everything and everyone
not literally, but in a good percentage sense

i'm not sure how i feel about anything or anyone anymore
i've just given up
and stopped trying completely

maybe i don't care
or maybe i care too much
either way it's gone and over

and i'm pretty sure i'm okay with that

btw: fuck everything from that last post
no one gives a shit

is this all that's left?

2008-08-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

summer/year goals

2008-05-22T18:38:00.005-05:00

-get a job
-save for car
-save for and buy a new phone (blackberry curve)
-excel at yoga
-run everyday and be used to it
-shape up!
-fix hair/color
-be a better person (:

-get nose pierced
-get first and maybe even second tattoo
-get belly button pierced

-read/start to read entire Bible
-get permit
-get junior license (or very early '09)

we'll see where this takes us

2008-05-02T15:06:00.002-05:00

have you ever just thought about everyone in your life?
like who you want to be closer with, who you're drifting from, who you want out of your life?
have you ever just wondered if people feel the same way?
it's just crazy to think about

it's going good and i'm pretty sure that's all there really is to say
staying close with most people, closer and farther with others

it's easier to just use like as a metaphor, or a joke
sometimes you have to just think about it or laugh it off
but what about the things you just want to change, what is it then?

i've noticed how much i am changing and want to change
i'm noticing more things around me, more things to keep, more things to change
it's the art of growing up... youhave to accept it one day
just hope it keeps you, you

p.s. you're too good for this world

life's choices are only in color...

2008-03-17T16:34:00.001-05:00

... and not in black and white, as I wish they sometimes were
it's so hard to stay true to my religion
but I'm happy

I'll see where life and God takes me

It's one of those times

2008-02-23T10:56:00.001-05:00

where you just look at the better side of things
where you want to be happy, so you do what you can to be happy
I am happy, and that's all

the exact meaning

2008-02-01T07:01:00.000-05:00

can only be definded with emotions, words were never first choice

things can look good as some look bad
the better side of things isn't always good
but it's worth a shot

as times change, you think people would as well

2008-01-19T18:00:00.000-05:00

you can tell how my life is going when an update is crucial
the good times and the good people seem to go as fast as they came
Most are replenished with more good, but some bad is always left lingering
maybe i only have myself to blame
maybe it's my fault that all of this happened
but taking responsibility was never my fortay
and i guess being a good person was never yours

you would think I would learn as times go on
you would think I would have realized what always fucks me over
but of course, I do not
I think the definition would be "insane"
I always figure one more shot and we'll all get this
but maybe this is just a game in life, a game I obviously do not win at
this is a challenge I should overcome, but maybe I feel like it makes me a good and accepting and second chanced person
maybe it just makes me completely stupid

my trust is not something to be played with, and I can not deal with it when people make it as that
it is given to everyone and broken and abused by most
it really sucks knowing I gave it all to you and you do this to be
repayment wasn't needed, but you did it with asshole included
maybe I should thank you for realizing how dumb I can be
maybe I should knock you out and teach you a lesson on how easily people are hurt and how fragile some are
but then again, maybe it's my fault
I wasn't one, I'm not one, to show how sensitive and vulnerable I am to everyone
and maybe that was one of my downfalls
but you knew how things affect me, you knew it, you know it!

life's lessons are completely crucial to the growth and development of a human mind and soul
I take some lessons as a joke, and there is it's revenge

I see that we are probably over, and this may be for good
I want you to know how bad it kills me inside and how hard it is
to see you everyday and to see you watch me, it is heartbreaking
you know I want it, us, back
I want to be how we were, but you know what you did
maybe I'm not rational and it was an accident, and maybe you weren't even talking about me
but if so, then you should know it's in your hands and the choice is yours
to end this, to end all awkwardness and hate, might just be best

you know this is all to you and myself
maybe another shot is all that's needed
but how can you say those things and expect everything to be the same

you changed my life and I will continue to change mine
and let's be honest; maybe t's just so it can fit with yours
the over-caring is obvious, just take notice
i miss you, that's really all

- just try to live life day by day and how it comes
stay positive and live happily because it's all you can try and do
stay true to yourself, and hopefully life comes along for the journey

times change

2007-11-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

things right now are going real good
there are times of bad every now and then
But overall, it's good

good people, good times, good moods, good memories

i'm just in love with life
I'm hoping it can stay this way

So, it's been a long while

2007-10-29T15:52:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to figure out everything without this "online journal" you know, the whole just live it thing, and it's been good I feel like such a different person reading past entries And I am happy with who I am, just know that

right now I just don't know what to do
I just want someone with all the answers to read this and help me
everything was so good, so happy
And now it's all fucked! It's like I'm losing so much of what's important to me
all I tell myself is that I can just control myself and my actions but sometimes, that's not good enough!
I can't stand how people are being, I really can not believe how rude and shitty and low some people are
it's like some people jusy try and bring me down and try and use me
and I'm fuckin' fed up!

this isn't a "cry for help"
it's a fuck you!
it's a sorry

one day we will all walk the earth divided

2007-07-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

you just erased everything like it never happen
Sometimes you need to realize it did happen
i miss the times we used to share

from old cds to yearbooks to smiles
i wish you didn't do this

"So, is this it? Is this our good bye?"

2007-07-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

the feelings of summer are amazing

Let's just have our fun and forget about all of our problems and worries

you have stolen my heart

2007-05-31T19:52:00.000-05:00

we all look like we feel

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

my heart is yours

<3

never forg

2007-05-31T19:51:00.000-05:00

you still amaze me
It's surreal to see you there
& to hold your hand

i will always love you all <3

i guess i just want a new me

2007-05-26T17:51:00.000-05:00

i want to start over

over summer.

<3

the number 11 looks like you

2007-05-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

i don't even know you
i know a few facts, one being you're gorgeous

i fell too fast, too hard and it is and i am pathetic
i don't even know, but i know i need to give up

i can't wait until summer
sneaking out, parties, drinking, you (not in that way)

i feel obsessed and it's pathetic, i need to just grow up.

<3

the who cares become i care

2007-04-27T23:39:00.000-05:00

i need to take action
i've given you plenty of time for change
and you run back
most posts are to clear my mind of you
but it'll never be cleared unless you're out of my life

sometimes, i can't do everything.

are you watching?

2007-04-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wonder why i bother with you
but sometimes, i wonder why i bother with myself

i'm not too sure why i bother with any of it

i will always love you <3

do you ever say to yourself "i could be better thanh this"

2007-04-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wonder why i sit here waiting for something to happen
i was listening around and heard all the noise
why was i being quiet being surrounded by loudness?
i don't know how to comprehend this to you, to anyone
sometimes i want to run away and never look back at anything/anyone

it's the way you make those faces, and the way your voice sounds, and the way you act that makes me want to forget about you. i feel like the competetion is eating away at my life. i can stand listening to you at times. someones i want it to be like this forever, other times i want to end all ties i have with you. it's my heart/gut vs my brain, which do you go with?

i'm not too sure you will ever get this, or understand
but it can't be like this
or it'll have to end like this

i can't wait for summer (friendships, endings, and parties).

you can't see with a blindfold over your eyes.

it's time to admit our flaws and come into the (l/n)ight

2007-04-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

at our time
our ways must part in the most delicate of ways
harsh and torn but delicate, i know it's not what you wanted but it's what you got

sometimes i think it's me and not you

i'm sorry you think i did, because i did. when are limits are pushed we will always restart with the backstabbing mind of the first.

i'm trying, but nothing works

kill my state of mind with a carving knife

i wish i still knew you, or do i? sometimes i think you lied the whole time or we weren't meant as friends
used and abused but never taken as love.

forever until tomorrow

2007-04-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to get away from all of you <3

i can't make you fit me unless i know what i need to fit me

2007-04-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

i'm not too sure why i'm so picky
i can't decide on one thing
i change my mind too much

i showed you my past so maybe you'd change to stay in my future
i didn't show you to scare you
Or make you do that stupid fucking face i hate!
i did it so maybe you'd GROW THE FUCK UP
you've pushed my buttons by not changing!
i told you, either you change or you GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
i see you're picking option c
except there isn't one
i use you because you're obsessed with me
Without me you'd be nothing
I keep you around because you're my slave
i hoped if i treated you like complete shit for long enough you'd change
But i guess not, you're still the same childish, annoying, immature, foolish little girl
You are not my best friend
You're basically nothing to me, just something there
you say you're so nice
no, you're just a pussy, you have no guts & no balls!
god you drive me fucking crazy!

why can't i find a perfect friend?
am i really THAT picky?
i just need a few things
But no one is all of those things
so i ditch them, i don't know what to do anymore

hey you! you're a stupid fake
you are a pathetic liar
We used to be good/best friends
now, honestly i can barely stand you
You say stuff behind my back like i have no feelings?
you mean shit to me
Choke on something, see if i fucking care you stupid fucking DFGHdfh

FUCK IT ALL
FUCK FUCK FUCK!

no, fuck this

2007-04-06T00:29:00.001-05:00

fuck all of it!
FUCK FUCK FUCK IT ALL!

i'm so messed up in the head.

why can no one live up to my standards?

2007-04-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

i'm too picky
I can't have close relationships because of flaws
no one is good enough for me
i'm not as happy as before
because i have ner half

i don't know anymore, i really don't.

failure speaks down to life

2007-03-25T18:00:00.000-05:00

"You know that feeling when you're in class and you want to raise your hand to disagree? To add to the discussion? That nervous energy that prevents you from raising your hand and hearing your own voice? The one that makes your heart race? That nervous energy wins when you keep your hand safely on the desk and miss the opportunity to add your two cents.And that's what failure feels like. That's the feeling of you giving up a little more of your life. That's when you throw away your votes and unless you want to take your place and the list of billions of fakes, sheep, and chicken shits;the next time you have something to say, raise your fucking hand."

-Christopher Gutierrez

the lack of updates is due to the lack of heart, soul and expression

2007-03-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

i wish i could explain this to you
But it's like talking through stitched lips
it just doesn't work out

i wish i could promiseyou it'll never happen
but it will
a relapse or just no will-power

i sometimes wonder if you miss me, like the way i miss you
you've changed in a superficial sort of way
no one likes the odd man out i guess

don't try and understand this, because it makes no sense
i can't put it into words or feelings
only actions
those actions can up as regrets
But only stepping stones for me
Scars to mark the way to re-tell the tale
Only visable as dust in the desert

i think of you when the sun is visable to someone in the world
i think of it and what i did
i miss things more than i did before
Thoughts are torture to our soul, body, heart, mind and spirit

sometimes we take chances, sometimes we make graves.

sometimes the hardest words to say are the easiest

2007-03-11T13:13:00.000-05:00

sometimes i want to fall into a coma and never wake up

goodbyes were never my strength
but neither was i love you

when i look at myself, i sometimes want to rip it apart

2007-03-10T17:13:00.000-05:00

why am i so forgiving?
i get hurt so much and i forgive everyone, i hate it.
i sometimes wonder if my life would actually be better if i ditched all the people who have hurt me, or if i'd have no one anymore.

i feel like i am understand myself more as each day goes by, i understand why i obsess with writing in this and wanting everyone to read this.
I want someone to know me and be able to disect me and know me at my most personal
if i died tomorrow, no one could say who i actually am, and that scares the shit out of me.
i want someone to understand me completely and be able to tell me who i am, maybe i'm just dreaming, who really knows anymore.

i'm sick of this life
do not misunderstand this, i'm not sick of my life, i'm sick of this life
i'm sick of being hurt and forgiving
i'm sick of not having fun and living my life to however i want to the upmost fullest

if you ever wondered something about me, let me answer you now
i am not a complete human being, i'm not like everyone else who can explain themselves, i'm not sure what i am anymore, i know who i am, just not what i am
you will never understand this, there is no decoding, it's fact vs. fiction

i feel as i grow older, well grow up
i learn a lot about life, and how much it fucks you up in the head
And how it fucks with your soul inside

i wonder if there is anyone out there who could actually decode my heart
It is the worst kind of weapon you know

i don't know what to say anymore
I want to spill my guts and x-ray my insides
i find myself praying for disaster and people prying into my life, the only deep and bad stuff though

sometimes it's best to be back (a big FUCK YOU)

2007-03-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

i want to dance and sing
i want to scream and hxc dance
i want to party and laugh
happy yet sad

i'm glad you're back, you were missed in a freak way
i guess everyone has to suffer to change

i guess the same goes for me
hey you, slit your throat!
you backstabber
you talked to me and were "on my side"
you said how you hate her and how she is the liar and you believe me
yet you tell her i'm the liar?!
you lowlife pathetic worthless person!
what is your problem? you say fakeness is lame, yet you top the charts!
do you get enjoyment out of lying? does that amuse you or what?

i feel like i am one of the only real people in my grade
everyone is fake nowadays!
it's like some sick trend
i'm the only one not following

i thought we were good friends, i love being backstabbed
you hurt me
it seems like i'm only getting hurt nowadays

[thankyou, i missed you]

fuck your friends! they only screw you over in the end
fuck your futures, don't sleep, light on fire.

you mean the world to me

2007-03-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

when i think of you, i cry
i'm crying as i write this
i think of the time we walked to stewarts and got our lattes
and said how cool we felt
and we sat on the playground for hours talking about life
that was one of the best days of my life
i love the deep you
the non immature fake lying one
the one that brightened my day
and i'd cancel any plans just to see
you were my true best friend,and i never use that word
you meant the world to me
only two people came before you
that is a big deal in the eyes of me
i want to see you in person, to tell you how much you meant to me, and how much i want you back in my life
it's pathetic and desperate, but that's just me
i could tell you anything, and you'd be there for me
and then one day, you stopped.
you became immature, annoying, fake, a liar. i couldn't talk to you about anything anymore
i miss you
i haven't been the same since you left
i miss myself
i miss being the happiest girl alive
i miss laughing and smiling just knowing you're my best friend and you'd always be there for me
i'm going to send this to you
because i want you to know, that no matter what, i love you, not in a "oh let's date" way
you will always be the best friend i ever had
and i want you to be my best friend i ever had, again
i may be asking for too much
a little change is all i ask
maybe miracles can happen
i didn't believe in best friends forever until i met you
Please don't make me disbelieve that again
you mean the world to me, don't ever forget that.
i want to be happy again
i want you to be happy again

i probably just offended someone
but you always knew it was true.

i want to rip you apart and watch you suffer

2007-02-28T18:35:00.000-05:00

you pathetic person
you used to call me your best friend
Yet you're scared to death of me?
you can't even come up to me yourself because you're so scared?
you say you want to change, but you can't change if you keep lying!
i want to watch you cry and suffer
i want to ruin your life
i want you to really be in pain, and realize and regret what you did!
i still want you back in my life, the you i used to know
don't ever forget that, no matter what you do or say or how much you lie
i'll always love the you that i called my best friend

my mind set is on destroy
I want to rip apart and tear down almost everyone
I want to tell my friends all their flaws and watch them cry
it's sick and twisted, but that is my mind set right now
i want to be hated and adored
i don't want to be liked or loved
i want to be stalked and looked up to, in a good way of course
maybe the sickness will pass
maybe it'll be here, until you return

truefuckinglove, i dislike the world as it speaks right now

progress report: i am missing you to death

2007-02-26T20:30:00.000-05:00

it's so surreal
how attached you are to me
You are like my puppet
pathetic and dangling on a string
you knew what you did waswrong
Yet you're still lying about it all
i did nothing wrong, and i get treated like that?

i still miss all the fun times we had, until you turned into a backstabbing fraud
i want to take the knife you stabbed me in the back with and plunge it into your bloack cold heart

i want the old you back a lot
i miss every single aspect of it/you
i want to hate you, i want to rip you apart
but i see how much you're still holding on to me
Why though? you're afraid of what i'll do/what can happen?

i'm sick of this! i want it all to end, back to what it used to be

we're not going to take it

2007-02-25T12:29:00.000-05:00

i have an obsession for my blogspot
and writing in it
Every second i miss it
It's like the connection because humansand oxygen
i think it's because i want to tell something/someone myself so they can understand me

i have nothing to say
My words are stuck behind my tongue
i've said all i could
let's see how everything goes tomorrow
whatever

the secrets of my life, the truth deep down where it hurts

2007-02-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

"sometimes we take chances
sometimes we take pills
[sometimes we bleed until we can't feel it anymore]"

the past amazes me, to see how i used to be
who i was friends with, how depressed i was
it's funny to think what i did to myself to try and ignore the pain
when it only brought more into my life
scars never heal, but tears can be wiped away

i should of been living, instead of being a walking corpse
if you want to know why i have such an attraction and dedication to fall out boy and why peter wentz is my hero
It's because they saved my life, saved me from myself
you'll never really get it, but when someone saves your life, you have a lifelong love for them/him
END PAST RANTTTTTTTTT--------------------------

it's funny to see how much i've actually changed
and how amazing i am now!
my mind set is the best it's ever been in a very long time
I'm still cleaning out my life and reinventing it
but i'm proud of the accomplishment i've been through

l i/o ving is the heart of our souls
it's like watching a movie of your life
editing it whenever needed, to change it into something you want

i'll never post a post this easy to read and decode just to let you know.

an open letter to you my old friend

2007-02-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think we all wonder about ourselves
and what our so-called-friends are thinking
what if...? what if...? it's surreal that your "best friend" can actually hate you
or how they can talk behind your back, and lie to you like it's no big deal!
some people in this world need a reality check
there are about 5 people that need to get taught a lesson, that fakeness will only kill yourself in the end, it's like putting a gun to your head

i think i may be the biggest hipocrite[sp] that has ever lived
have you ever missed an old friend? well a friend, but the old version of them
like before they changed? i'm sure we all have, and i have a lot [recently]
i miss the ol you, the fun you, before you became a fake backstabbing two-faced liar.
the one that i could talk to anything about
the one i called one of my actually srsly best friends
and i never call people best friends
and i know that you will never come back
i want you to call me, SO I CAN FUCKING GUT YOU WITH MY WORDS!
you pathetic excuse of a human
by the way, don't even think of sitting next to me when school starts again
i want to rip you apart on the farthest level i can
i think maybe, if i turn the friends you so-call-hate against you
you may be back to the girl i loved
eh, who really cares anyways
EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD WILL EVENTUALLY SCREW YOU OVER, SELL YOU OUT, AND STAB YOU IN THE BACK!
don't even say it's not you, because you may not think so, but every single human being.
i want you to know how much despise i have for you right now
IF YOU CHANGE BACK, OR CHANGE TO SOMETHING BETTER, I'LL BE FRIENDS WITH YOU AGAIN
but if youu don't change, then go fuck yourself.

out with the old, in with the new [me]

2007-02-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

i'm finally going to do it
i'm reinventing myself and my life
i'm changing myself, my life, and everything in it
i'm becoming what i always wanted to be
sure, this sounds so "who cares"
But it's a big step for me
to be kelly
but version 2007
love and hate
All blends to me now

let's see if i can full-fill it.

i want to be a better version of you
<3

i pick out the flaws in everyone [except you]

2007-02-21T12:14:00.000-05:00

it's funny to think of your life and all your friends and heroes
it's actually pretty surreal
to think how i live vs you

i've come to realize i am an one of a kind
Like a whole different species
and only me and him are in it

i pick out my flaws more than anybody else[s]
and mine are never enough to compare to them
i've learned how most of my so called friends don't deserve me

i want new friends, most of mine pretty much suck
boring, fake, liars, uninteresting
i'm such a hipocrite [sp] when it comes to life
and myself

i think, i am just like am
besides the 13 year age difference
we are 2 in a million
our lives intersect, except mine doesn't contain love.

best friends forever are a fraud
no one is forever
i don't really have "best friends"
best is just a lousy word added to friends
best friends to me, should be pretty amazing, and perfect to me in a sense
and no one is like that
i'm too picky, i really am
i pick out too many flaws
Even though most flaws, i'm attracted to
like something i have to fix about them

i remembered when i died my hair
and grew up, and grew out of depression most people said how much i changed, and how they miss the old me, and i hated that more than anything in the world
but i find myself saying that about some, because they are sell-outs, they sold out and i'm not buying
maybe it's me just being a hipocrite [sp]
or maybe not
i'm the same girl at heart that i've always been, i never sold out, i grew up
so maybe it's difference
maybe not.

i know few-no one reads this
I post this for myself
To collect my own thoughts
to look back on myself
Read the first post i ever posted to compared to now
You're still the blood stained rag
always will be, the stitch in my forehead
love me, hate me, concrete girl is fine.

oh, gym class heroes was good
stuck up and wasted though.
holding hands makes me think of him
true life is so last year
fantasies, dreams, and imagination, in.

the truth about you, from the bottom of my heart

2007-02-16T15:50:00.000-05:00

you are a real class act
you are a fake, a fraud, a bad "friend"
you lie about everything, and i just realized that
i was the best you'll ever get, andyou lost it
don't give me the "but i never said that"
you did it all, you ruined our friendship
best friends are never forever
you lied straight to my face, you are no longer worthy of me
you accomplished what little people can
You hurt me, you truely (sp) hurt me
you say how much you don't like so and so, yet you talk and hang out like best friends?
hate is a very strong word, and you use it as often as hi, and you never mean it.
i can't believe you would do this to me
after everything i did for you
I was there for you, i didn't judge you like all do
I was a true friend, and you basically stabbed me in the back with your fakeness
i hear you like talking about me behind my back?
you lying son of a bitch.
you are worthles to me now!
you are a pathetic use of a soul and body
you don't deserve a life
sure you were fun to hang with, and talk with, and i felt so close to you
i never saw it coming
i never thought you were so low
such a bad "friend"/person
you lost my trust and friendship
i'm not mad at you
i just don't like you at all, even the slightest
you will have to do major to repair this friendship
but i dont want you back in my life

you'll never read this, but this is goodbye
maybe for minutes
maybe for hours
maybe for days
Maybe for weeks
maybe for months
maybe for years
maybe forever
i'm not sure

this is the deepest realness of my soul
go choke with the person you so call "hate"

hearts vs. the world

2007-02-15T17:50:00.000-05:00

have you ever looked at a picture or listened to a song, and had a million memories flood in? or think to yourself "i wish i could be her/him"
i did that today, and it questioned my life and age
i looked at him, and you, and thought, if i could be you, and see how love goes

you think, maybe that'll be me one day
but with a different person next to me

love hate

when hearts become so heavy they burst

2007-02-10T10:20:00.001-05:00

it's like whispering to the world
giving out clues as in marco, polo

the words to say are stuck behind my tongue
my heart beats faster when i'm around you
2-stepping till the room stares

my eyes fixate on you when you're near
iknow i shouldn't
I know i can't
when the world spins
i'm the first to fall.

save yourself from me.

you're all going to die anyways

2007-02-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

uh, i'm really happy. infinity on high is amazing, wentz is a lyrical genius. i can't wait to see those boys in may and june.
uh, my anxiety is really bad, i'm not depressed, it's just anxiety.

thanks for the memories
even though they weren't that good
<3

I FEEL DEAD

2007-01-30T20:29:00.000-05:00

it is like i am a species
a species that only contains me
no one understands me
I wish someone understood me
I wish i could tell someone everything
And they could give me the answer to my problems
or at least help me with everything

i feel like a stranger in the world
the new girl to the school
that never gets around

i lost my soul and got it back
And nowit's lost again
i need something in my life to cheer me up
my life is on fucking self destruct and it's working
I AM DEPRESSED!
i am, i am, i am
I hate to admit it, but i am.
i need more fun

i'm only depressed because of what i did
I should of realized what i was doing

at least i can admit i'm depressed, unlike wentz.

saveme from the world i'm in
bring me excitement of life

i only write this for myself.

the last part of me just died

2007-01-26T19:13:00.000-05:00

i feel empty
it just stuttered out
more so choked
and now i'm dead
i'm like a walking zombie

as you grow older, you hopefully grow up

2007-01-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

sorry i haven't posted in forever.
i'm 14 & i feel older.
igot averizon enV for christmas
but no lip piercing
my family doesn't trust me and my mom calls me emo. wonderful.

i feel much older since i turned 14, butlately i've been in a whirlwind of emotions. everything was going so right and then it came crashing down. i did something i told myself i'd never do again. and i didn't even mean to, it was like a hallucination. i think i am going insane.

i am depressed, i am wishing i had a different life. i want to live my life to the fullest, and i know i'm not. that gets me so down. i think i need to change everything about me, ferreal this time, i'm trying to. i can say i don't truely know "who i am" or what i wantto be. i want to change that, i want to change almost everything about me. get the friends back that kept my life so fun.

i feel so immature and childish. this post was dead honest, it wasn't no mind games, it is for everyone to read this to get how i feel. i dumbed this post down for everyone, so they can get inside my mind.

i want to thank you, everyone of you, who helps me everyday.

i hate the way you say my name
and say i love you when you don't mean it
you're not what i need
but right now, you're just what i want.
[i think i like you]

<3

life is a highway, love is a battlefield

2006-12-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

long time, eh?
i'm not sure how i feel. i feel like my life is falling down. i feel depressed a lot lately. i get mad at everything, i get depressed everynight. i feel like there is more to life, and i should be living that, not my boring life. age blows, mine does. my birthday is in 20 days. i'm quite excited. i want my lipring and sidekick3.

my friends are fake, most.
you are ripping my life. i want to live my life to the fullest, and you're in my way.

HEY KID, i miss you. restate this; i miss the friendship i had with you. i want to feel cared about. i want someone to show how much they care and love me. i want everyone to know it's us and no one will break us apart. i want to hang out all the time and tell each other everything. i want you to say i'm your best friend and no one else, i miss that so much. i wish i wasn't so jealous and flip out all the time. I WISH I WASN'T BIPOLAR! i wish i never lost you, wait. i can't say that.
we gave each otherissues. i want to tell you how much i'd give to have us back. i'm not like that, i don't hate myself anymore. i wish you could understand.

i still need to thank you. the kid that saved my life. then left me to die.

my heart is beating hoping you'll read this
but it won't happen.

i'm sorry. the highways never end, the love never lives, the friendship always fades.

:[

the depressed welcomed me with open arms

2006-11-10T23:45:00.000-05:00

my week went from amazing to rotten hell to good to horrid to gahh.
i lost the person i called my best friend. pathetic i'd say. i have never given anyone so much friendship, and what do i get? a fucking slap in the face. i was tol;d i have no feelings, when i have too many. i was the only true/good friend who would tell the truth, and she blamed me and made me become the liar!

my friend is hurt too.

this is the lowest i've felt in a very, very, very long time
i'm not sure what to do or say
i'm not sure if i want her back in my life
it hurt so much when she told me she can't tell me anything anymore, as if she didn't trust me. it was a straight shot to the heart. i felt my life crashing down as those words left her mind into the IM box. i am hurt, lost, confused, i feel like a puppy who can't find it's way back home.

i need some help and advice, but i'll alone listen to myself, but i'm not sure what i want.
i wish there was someone who could tell me what the best thing to do is.

i won't say i'm sorry when i did nothing wrong.
if being a good friend is wrong, i must be the devil.

:[

the end

2006-10-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

i give up on you. [or maybe on myself]
you are sick, manwhores are not attractive.
but you don't charge anything for you.

i want to whisk you away, and never see you again.
i can't stand you or the way you are.

my world is twisting and turning as i fall deeper into the pit of despair. my friends are a disgrace, and i seem to be getting bored of them all. i think i judge too much. emily is the opposite of what i expected, she is more like me than anyone i know.
i think when i get my snakebites i'll be more hated, and my friends will go. but i also think i'll be known for courage,

or maybe i'm just being cocky.

the night slasher in reality

2006-09-14T06:09:00.000-05:00

why can't it all just go away. all the pain and sorrow. my old memories are flowing in like a shipwreck on land. i feel so close, yet i am so far. i miss a lot from before, i sometimes pray that i can go back and time and do it all over again, but i can't. i find myself telling others to be all positive, but i am a negative person. i don't know if i miss you or not, when i see all our old memories rush, but when i think of it, all the hate and torture is sailing free. my dreams are nightmares, and my reality is an imagination.
i wish someone could go through my brain, just so one person understands all this and could comprehend it. i'm not sure if i spelt that right. (see; failure at life)
my heart has sent out all it can give, and you never saved the information. i don't miss you, cars and screaming sounds good to me, i hope you'll enjoy it.

i am selling out, and you're never going to buy.