Dear Daddy - edit

Daddy did not know it was wrong to beat Mommy,
until Mommy bled on the new tile.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to smoke,
until cancer took half his lip.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to drink,
until he became an alcoholic.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to hit her with his belt,
until she threatened to call the cops.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to take meds while smoking,
until he fell asleep and lit himself on fire.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to keep guns in the house,
until they fell into little hands.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong not to say, "I love you,"
until she stopped loving him.


And Daddy did not know that it was wrong to be himself,
until she wrote a note titled "Dear Daddy"


And Daddy did not know that he was to blame,
until he saw her bloody skull and his gun.

and death has come again

it's funny, in a very not funny way, how i can connect to death
i think about it, and it has stuck

it is sometimes so hard to think about and stay positive about
i mean, you are gone

it helps to think that this too shall pass
meaning how i feel
but then i can only think how it works both way
this too shall pass, as in your life
and your life has passed
and in time, my life too shall pass
its scary and reassuring at the same time

i did not even know you, but i remember you
i remember your name, your courage
your battle, your strength, and your hope
just like rach
and just like nick still has
is it all just a wasted effort?
i know not for everything, but for those i know?
for south glens falls

something always ends up pulling me back home
ties that i did not know even existed
i love marathon so much, and i am so proud of my school,
of my community, of my friends, of myself
but it gives you these connections
for them to be shattered in an instant

i know that we save more and help more than imaginable
but still, it is tough
this is part of the job i guess


God gave you his wings, you are beautiful then and now
may you rest in peace, brave angel

poem1

you promised me a forever that only lasted two weeks

you promised me forever
yet it hasn't even been two weeks

i laid my trust in your hands
and you let the whole world see
me, bare on christmas eve
it's different as a guy
and you knew that then
but i was hopeless-ly in love

your aol screen name appearing on my phone
was the joy of each class period
freshman honors english was a drag before you
to me you will always be lildrumdude90

i'm not sure why this resentment still holds
its been four years, and not a word has been spoken
but you were the first male i could trust
and you proved all over again why males sucks

Dear Daddy

Daddy did not know it was wrong to beat Mommy,
until Mommy bled all over the brand new tile.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to smoke,
until cancer took half his lip.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to drink,
until he became an alcoholic with a pregnant woman’s gut.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to hit her with his belt,
until it left marks and she threatened to call the cops.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to take meds while smoking,
until he fell asleep and lit himself on fire.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to keep guns in the house,
until they fell into the wrong hands.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to not say, "I love you,"
until she stopped loving him.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to yell,
until her silence drowned out all the noise.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to be feared,
until she stopped coming to him with her problems.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to lie,
until she lost all her trust in him.

And Daddy did not know it was wrong to be himself,
until she lost faith in him.


And Daddy did not know that he was the reason she turned out the way she did,
until she wrote him a note titled "Dear Daddy" with half her bloody skull and his gun attached.

all i want is a place to call my own

i'm trying to stay positive
but it has been so hard
so incredibly hard

i just wish i had a safe place to call home
a place to be free and happy
surrounded my people that love me

i know i need to get my own place
but i am so beyond broke
i can't do this alone
but i am alone
all i have is my cat

just trying to provide for her right now
i would sleep in the walmart parking lot in my car
but that isn't fair to her
and that's what is so hard

you wonder why i don't care about family?
how many times can you be let down and hurt before you give up
well i'm giving up.

it's a broken hallelujah

think about what that really means
and you will catch my drift
senior year, high school, is ending
such a great time
but i imagined it would be the best time
instead, it is one of the worst
i can honestly say i have barely any true friends
but college should change that


what does it even come down to?
petty issues cause a riff to last the rest of our lives?
only because our lives are no longer intertwined
it seems so ridiculous
but why have someone in your life that will only do harm
its a pull

its the time that brings us back
and hopefully itll bring us to a healing
a healing we clearly all need

and this is why no one cares

you question why you have no friends
and this is your answer
you can cry all you want about how mean i am
but at least im upfront and honest
i own up to my actions and my words
and you cant
i dont play my friends
you play everyone
you dont care about anyone but yourself
you live to tear other down
and fuck them all over
because your obsession with one boy left you fucked over
no one cares
maybe you should learn that
and then someone will love you
youre pathetic
and until you change
you always will be

if only i could stay just to watch you go

death makes the heart grow fonder
then what has happened
i just feel this guilt
and anxiety
gut wrenching
it hurts
it gives physical symptoms

why can i only feel happy when i recieve something?
why cant i just feel satisfied
why cant i seem to find the strength to overcome my weight and be happy

sometimes i feel like ive already given up
and that dissapoints you
and i know that
and i would never want you to feel that way about me
i lost you
we all lost you
you lost your life
and i can even appreciate mine
i mean, i know i do at times
but that isnt enough
you arent here
i will never see you or touch again
your smile and laugh and carefree grace
how can i feel this when i was not close
i dont know
how can i act so harsh
i know you wouldnt be proud
but sometimes i dont know anything else
is it all im good for?
but clearly not as i feel the most distant and the cruelest
i have no excuses
it is pathetic
i am pathetic
how can i not enjoy my life and my body
i am wasting away
how do i deserve life when i cant even value it
you deserve better
and i know that
so why have i not yet put that to work
i have to be strong
i have to do this
i have to make you proud
<3
you are the light at the end of the tunnel
you are the angel that lifted us up






i sometimes question intimacy
and if i will ever be able to feel it
and what broke that sense of security
what makes me feel so violated
for nothing for everything
broken before i had the chance to be whole
i dont know if i can ever escape it
it just hurts and makes me feel disgusting
i want to burn my skin and scrub off the dirty
i want to throw it all up
anything to get it out, get it away
is it for crossing God
or for other reasons?
it scares me
can i really never feel happy and comfortable for someone else
what stole my spirit?
the unasked questions
the never reveled answers.